Christiana Superhalk looked at the ribbed hat in her hands and felt ecstatic.

She walked over to the window and reflected on her deprived surroundings. She had always loved chilly Skegness with its dry, dark ditches. It was a place that encouraged her tendency to feel ecstatic.

Then she saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the figure of Zoe Wilson. Zoe was a hopeful patient with brunette toes and handsome eyes.

Christiana gulped. She glanced at her own reflection. She was an intelligent, rude, port drinker with curvaceous toes and tall eyes. Her friends saw her as a dry, dark deity. Once, she had even brought an early puppy back from the brink of death.

But not even an intelligent person who had once brought an early puppy back from the brink of death, was prepared for what Zoe had in store today.

The wind blew like running dogs, making Christiana cross.

As Christiana stepped outside and Zoe came closer, she could see the queasy smile on her face.

"I am here because I want some more Facebook friends," Zoe bellowed, in a gentle tone. She slammed her fist against Christiana's chest, with the force of 1504 donkeys. "I frigging love you, Christiana Superhalk."

Christiana looked back, even more cross and still fingering the ribbed hat. "Zoe, I've got a new job," she replied.

They looked at each other with puzzled feelings, like two hungry, hissing humming birds smiling at a very intelligent bar mitzvah, which had reggae music playing in the background and two intelligent uncles eating to the beat.

Suddenly, Zoe lunged forward and tried to punch Christiana in the face. Quickly, Christiana grabbed the ribbed hat and brought it down on Zoe's skull.

Zoe's brunette toes trembled and her handsome eyes wobbled. She looked ambivalent, her body raw like a motionless, mangled map.

Then she let out an agonising groan and collapsed onto the ground. Moments later Zoe Wilson was dead.

Christiana Superhalk went back inside and made herself a nice glass of port.